I LIED. God, i lied. I LIED!!! argh.. i hate to lie... as much as i hate liars. To be exact, i did not really lie.. but i spoke in a manner which i intended the person to assume, oh my yuck. the remorse is almost unbearable. Its sickening and disgusting and appalling. TOTAL PUT OFF.

Anyway, i feel so argh-ed. ARGHed. ARGHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahha... yea .. i admit.. i did have an issure of lying in the past tt's y now.. i try my best to not even lie... and when i do.. i feel .. yucked. pooey. YUCK!

Why is there a need to lie? to keep a front? to protect urself.. to keep yourself out of trouble.. to harm others? in the first place why do something tt's not right tt u have to lie to coverup? .. hmm... well well perhaps its better to do things that's not against ur own conscience.. yep... arghed. IRRITATED.

oh well..argh.. need to change
>.<

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 1:38 AM

The title of today's posts basically summarizes everything tt happened last night.Yes, i admit it, tho was still having my fwen,fever,visiting me, i stubbornly refused to take a break,and stayed up the entire night working on my secret mission to mars..then i had NP this morning, from 9 to 5,and now i'm paying the price for it -- per say a throbbing headache, a blocked nose, a brain tt's malfunctioning, a terrible throat, sweating profusely.. ok.. i'm feeling down in the rut. Grace ! Grace! Grace! And my exams coming along.. i'm super stressed.. and tired and feeling veh sick.. and i think i'm gonna fail my exams. I just wanna sit down and start crying man. .. argh!

With this totally conked out head, i could still think on my way to AH today. Was toking to a particular fwen last night, about having the ability to go deep, in terms of convresation and feelings. And suddenly, it drove me thinking about the type of friends people possibly can have, and i decided tt there are really several categories of people i noe.

1.there are the strangers, people who i might xin xue lai chao and really like to smile at them

2. The aquaintances, people whom i noe and dun really tok much yet i smile at them

3. The oooh-hi-i-noe-who-are-u people.. they are those i attempt to chat a little out of courtesy and perhaps networking..

4. The Yey-i-like-knowing-you! people.. they are those who i will not just tok to, but also recognise.. and even crap with!Here, not many opinions are shared, but when asked may share with some caution

5. The i-know-who-are-u-but-please-keep-a-distance-away-fr-me-dun-push-ur-luck people.. haha, they are those whom i can talk really really shallow talk, and still with formalities involved...and really, talking less is more :P

6. The Friend-friends They are those who i can share certain opinions on things but with some caution.. they are definitely those i can tok rubbish w tho!, and i do enjoy spending time with them

7. The more-than-friends-friend.. these are people, whom i can go just a little deeper.. and perhaps a little more insights from me..and about my life is being shared... Rubbishing included. >.<

8. The more-more-than-friends-friend..they are those i really dun mind sharing a little more on my life.. get them to be in my shoes at times..but still.. some barrier is there

9. The superfriend ... they are people whom i can really put down most of my defences and share a whole load of things... and these people have more than just fwenship with me...

10. The sister-friend.. reserved for my "blood-is-thicker-than-water" sisters..hahha... to really bare my thoughtlife and no defences at all.. still there might b some of my darkest and deepest secrets... muahahahahahahahaha ...

11. The ultimate level of fwenship.. the Godhead-3-in-1-fwenship... complete truth and not afraid to confess anything at all..

______________________

where are u on my list? u may think u are already there, when really u r not. haha... esp for fwens btw the no.4 and 5... the people in 5 will tend to feel as tho they are the 4 and vice versa... haha.. but i realised something.. there are really those whom i really want to get to noe.. yet i never made the effort to just start... Why didn't i even start? Pride, shy... what ever it is.. i've let many potential fwenships slip past due to my own opinions or peer pressure.. haha.. horrid!

Back on toking deep on the higher levels of the fwenship might just get to touch depe ba.. haha... Like wad angie once said, well perhaps i'm too scared to get hurt... i rather no pain than the feeling of betrayal or pain...perhaps it all boils down to insecurity.. I feel a little of such caution might be good, as long as it does not go overboard! haha...

Anw.. i cannot think anymore.. i have more things to complete... Strength oh God.. Strength!

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 9:57 PM

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 9:54 PM

Yes yes, i'm not trying to be some lameo here..but i'm down with a fever again!!!!!!!!!!!! argh... i really dunno whether i should love or hate the festive season.... ARGH!!!!!!!1 somehow i always fall ill either at the end of the year or at the beginning.... hmmm.... this is a bond man... I BREAK IT IN JESUS' NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh... hahaha.... so right now i'm blurry eyed and very sehed! hahah GREAT job jiaying..

anw, today 's a relatively blurry day for me.. dunno wad happen throughout .. most of the time i;m semi-concious.. just gg through the motion of everything! haha seriously the formula to a good nap is a piriton + a panadol... the end of the equation is good knockout. :P hehehe... cool right. i think so too!!!!!! ahaha.. so after taking tt after lunch i totally blanked out! STRAIGHT IN THE FACE A BLANK OUT! hahaha... felt great after tt.. or rather great comparatively to the morning's sehed-ness ehehe

indeed.. all the lamentation of being ill is just to attract attention. ahha.. am i>? oh wadever. I NEED REST NOW -- pronto!

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 11:29 PM

It’s been (let me see...), hmmm... 2 days, but it seemed like ages to me! Ha, Right now, I’m suffering from the repercussions of the several carnival rides I took this morning. In fact, all I’m feeling is myself about to fall --- or even faint in moment's time. Actually, the aftermath is expected... for example the last few times I went to escape, every night after a full day of rides always end up w me feeling like puking or feeling quite giddy. Ha, this is no different. WAD HEADACHE! ha... anw, I have lots to say, and well perhaps lots to reflect >.<

I realize that I do possess one habit...tt is the ability to reflect and think alot when I’m travelling. For example, if I’m sitting like I’m doing so now, wad I would usually do is to find something to do other than think... so the only time I really do all my thinking... as in my quality thinking (sorry, I do not refer to common day, intellectual thinking... but rather more complex thoughts.. emotions and intelligence combined.. lets just call it emotigence. ha~~~ amused by myself. oh well!!!) So anw, back to the topic.. I realize I do think a lot as I travel. As in when I’m walking.. I start thinking back and reflect... or tt's when I start my brainstorming! or... in laymen's term (and so u might comment that the following statement may not be funny), I like thinking on my feet. (pun intended. -- u noe.. travelling --> thinking on feet... the connection? aww nvm.)So wads good about this is that I have time to think everyday... and I do reflect, rather than live life so... aimlessly and without change. Stagnated life... or rather stagnated THOUGHT life.

ok... so here are the thoughts. I do realize my behaviour for the past few days were pretty disgusting and appalling. I tend to over think, over rationalize, and am over sensitive and overly emotional. Yes... jiu shi tai OVER le la! haha... yea.. so it caused me to be cranky, and irritated.. and put things totally out of perspective. and yes, today.. this morning... I was telling God tt I really need to get out this disgusting phase of mine. Did I say it was disgusting. Sorry, tt was a perfect understatement. ITS ATROCIOUSLY HORRIBLE AND A TOTAL PUT OFF. Yes. Get this off my chest... and I feel so much better. Then today was gg to service w ziying... toked to her. Seriously, do cry quite easily in front of my family...so was NOT toking to her, yet the atmosphere was tense. cos, actually a day before, we kinda exchanged words... (tt is in a more barbaric manner... had a tiff) she told me things that were quite hurting. And as per cranky idiot would be, I took it to heart.. and never left it to God. hmm... so it brew... and became a literal thorn in my flesh. So... I starting treating her like I’m a jerk... which I admit I had been. Not only to her, in fact to dajie...(yea yea... the waiting thingy... cos usually I’m quite patient... with a super high tolerance level... to not get angry, nor get upset... even when I have to wait 1 hr ++ and go through a 30 min ride just to have a 20 min chat ... hahaha.. jk la!!!! not trying to ka chiao dajie le la! >.< I just like to err... haha... make jie a lil irritated at this point.. >P, yes yes I’m awfully playful..) . Anyway... back on the topic.. she told me tt she felt I was fake.. and yea.. said certain things which were quite unpleasant. It hurts no doubt... but hey, I accept it. All it means to me is that I have to change lor... how to change? humble myself, pray for strength... and seriously, I felt it really took me a lot of courage to actually tell ziying that I accept my mistakes and am willing to change. BOY IT HURTS. haha... darn it... even though I may never be able to exude the authority again.. haha.. but I did feel happy to admit my mistake... at least I’m willing to make the first step--- CONFESSION, rather than stay in denial. So God, I need strength.. cos all the pain I have to go through before I can be changed and molded the way You want me to be, I cannot take it alone... I cannot walk alone. I cannot even crawl my way through alone. The fact is, without God, nor matter how hard I try, I will never get across! So... GOD!!!! STRENGTH!!!! STRENGTH!!!! or wad jie would scream... GRACE!GRACE!GRACE! ... its time I should complement it...MERCY!MERCY!MERCY! yep!!!

Painful entry I would say. even when I’m typing this.. gosh.. I can still feel the pain of CONFESSION. So this is wad God means by confession... tt is to not just say it, but to truly deep down in your heart admit ur mistake and feel that sharp pain. I never understood the impact of confession until today... it hurts, yet there is such a relief...The moment u truly take ur mistake to heart and pass it all to God... peace enters.. the joy comes... and its like.. a revival of the Chris-like character. And so I imagine it to be like a battlefield... the moment I confess the devil gets struck in his heart, the devil gets a punch and a kick and the next moment -- its KO for him man...

Thank God that He gave me the power to confess. Hurts.. but this pain is good. Confession is done.. so wad's next? its gotta be actions! My regime of praying was terribly disrupted by the CIBTC. Horrid! .. I need to revive it.. get back into the spirit.. and get back into the word.. quick and fast and now! yes... I dun want to be walking in backsliding... for 3 simple reasons... I’m not stupid, I’m not willing, and I’m not giving in. DEVIL I BIND YOU! GET OUT OF MY LIFE> U!!! argh. JUST GET OUT. and most importantly.. IN JESUS NAME!!!!!!!!!

Fasting is God's anointed way of bringing my carnal flesh into subjection. God is really a smart God... hits the bull’s-eye every time. My deadliest fear.. the lack of food. argh. SO I really need a lot of determination to get through these fasts... God, guide me through. I need to ..... I NEED TO!

JIAYING, WAKE UP UR IDEA!

Yes Yes, I’m such a... no idea.

Ok.. so I’m relieved... yet with a burden to continue on... :P then again, God said the burden is heavy but the yoke is light... and His grace is sufficient for me. Amazing ABBA, eh? I think so too...

One more touching event of the day... auntie Lydia responded. When she had tears in her eyes.. I could see the love she has for God. Once again revived... All Glory to GOD!!! yea... the anointing of God, that one touch of heaven to really fill her heart .... that is wad so many of my friends need. Its a pity... when u bring them to church yet their hearts are cold and shut. they dun believe in God, they dun trust Him. tt' why They dun feel Him. How ironic, this vicious cycle. Because they dun believe, therefore they dun feel. But because they dun feel, they dun believe... God, teach me to minister to them.. and truly be a light set on the city hill that cannot be hidden.. No longer do I want to be a follower in my class... I want to bring the presence of God with me wherever I go, and where the LORD directs me... I want to be the salt of the earth.. but first.. I have to do well in the natural.. having more confidence en myself... trusting God has everything in store for me le... :P yep! .. God... teach me to trust You.. teach me to not be too strong for my own benefit.. teach me to rely on You, and not to depend too much on my own strength. God, in all, teach me, and do show me Your way... I beg of You... please...

I want my first love revived all over again.. and to stop loving God with my mind. but with my heart... :)

yep! that should be all.. I’m happy to have found a haven when I can pour out my thoughts... in fact to even reorganize them here without disruption... :P

Find the baby the baby baby boy the baby baby baby boy~~~

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 1:00 AM

In the mood for love... isn' it already blatant enough? the title should be quite startling... considering i m quite a blockhead when it comes to matters of the heart. i wonder is it me, or it due to the sudden influx of couples around me, that i do start to wonder when will love come to me? I hope its just part and parcel of teenage fantasy, and well perhaps due to my healthy dose of taiwanese serials.. and mabbe a touch of vanilla sky(which showcased the extremities of love.. the extent that it could either break you[Diaz] or it can sustain you [Cruz and cruise]). But whatever it is, i'm starting to ponder. Do i want to fall in Love?

Well my answer at this juncture is perhaps yes. as much as i want to run away from this topic, and feel that my academics of my utmost importance, after God and family, I have to admit.. i'm hoping for someone out there to just love me. Peraps, what i desire is the exclusivity of being in a relationship. To noe that you belong to the person, and so does the person to you. That you have that special one out there whom u could really rely on and the person would really provide you the shoulder you crave when you get really tired. Yes, well, perhaps.
then i look around the place, people watch to be exact, i start noticing couples, and their affectionate looks to each other... i guess at this point i could fullly comprehend the meaning of a chinese saying zhi3 xian4 yuan1 yang1 bu2 xian4 xian1, which literally means, Even lovers are more to be envied than the immortals. Ha...

Then again, i'm 17. too young, and too immature to make the right and raional decisions at this point of time. Yet, at 17, imagination is allowed to run wild and free... i thought, what if a person really came up to me and said that he like me. I felt, hey, if i were to be stuck in that mood for love, i would perhaps BLINDY agree, without thinking of its consequence. Saying yes to a person, would mean, once again exclusivity.. personal freedom will be affected. And for me, because of that momental rush of desire, the yes would just be a plain yes, yet without the backing of any emotions. That case, its plain stupidity to even agree...

haha.. am i freaking you out with what i'm thinking? i certianly hope not. infact, i hope that this phase of mine, is not just me. but it does happen to the other people out there. Otherwise, i better reconsider my mental state. :P

Yep... so thinking thinking thinking... i finally understood what pastor meant by people believing that Bad love is better than no love. But i choose No LOVE. I rather play safe in a way.ha.

more thinking on my way home..then i thought, actually, i do possess the love i crave to have. I noe someone who would be there when i truly need him. I noe he would also be my listening ear. I noe He'll give me the strength i need to carry on whenever i'm weak. i dun even nid to tell Him how i feel. He knows. The most important is nothing i do will make Him love me more. And also nothing i dun do will make Him love me less. Amazing person huh... This love is more than just a bou-girl-relationship. Its also of friendship and of kin ship. Want to noe this guy whom i also love? He's my God. :P ha... yes... jiaying still loves God, who loved her from the start. Too bad, i'm still the tomboy me. :P

haha... anyway... this is just some musings for the day.. on love

and on food. i need to curb my voracious appetite. Especially when fasting, the desire for food gets stronger.. the horrid, fleshy nature of men! I want Food. But i need God. Need is greater than ur want. Therefore i choose God... :P

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 12:51 AM

A brand new start to everything, i hope. Or at the very least, i'm looking forward to a fresh new start.

Well, i've just completed te CIBTC on fri. Thoughts on that event? It was indeed an enriching 3 weeks of rubbishified training, includes me having to constantly revise my skills even before the lessons begin, and also, a lot of psychological games i have to play... especially when it comes to having to motivate others. No, i'm a good motivator by nature, in fact i can be quite passive by choice. Throughout these 3 weeks, alot of reflection on my own character have been done by myself. I realised a part of me, that might even scare myself. Well perhaps tiredness do affect a person's reaction to matters.. i realised in my own capacity the way i can treat others can differ in a matter of days, or even within a few hours. I can choose to befriend, likewise, i can choose to ignore. As i said, a shock had been revealed to me within the course--that is the ability to resent people so badly that even i am appalled by my own thoughts. Thank God the resentment did subside, but it was after many hours of self counselling and self reflection. I guess having 2 overly emotional and sensitive people pairing up isn't a very great idea after all.

The course on the whole was not what i expected it to be. Let me first start with my squad. I love the people, they are nice and they really try to improve. In fact this is the kind of attitude that even some instructors fail to possess. Yes, some may preach about it, but they are not as teachable as they think they are. Well, this do include me. Sometimes i preach about confidence, i talk about having the quiet confidence that i ought to have, and i talk about all the faith i have. But when it comes to havin the need to stand out in front of a crowd, whatever i mentioned, whatever i tried to impart simply disappears. Instructors, instructors, all a facade? i suppose... at least in my case. Nevertheless... i do my best in bringing my trainees to where they are supposed to be, in hope of bringing them to a level greater than i am. Perhaps, they will be a better batch of instructors.

This course really did sap out a lot of energy and a lot of time. this is lousy. I really hate to lose time to spend with my family, my friends and most importantly, losing QUALITY time with God. many times throughout the course i lack the energy to seek God fervently. Took a toll on my spiritual life. Am quite angry with myself for submitting to pressure and ended up joining this course. Not only so, even my closest friends seem to not be able to understand what am i going throuh. All my absence from the current evenst are not intentional. I NEED REST. Sometimes, even though i'm free, it does't equate to me able to go out. i'm as human as you are, do give me time to rest and study. Whilst you are having rest at home, i have other commitments... and just to let you know, church is not something i'm willing to give up .GOD is out of the question. So please, i beg of you to stop telling me that church can be skipped. Cos it carn. I rather give up this bag of friendships than lose my church membership. Please, respect my decision and my choice.

From the day the course ended, i haven't had the time to sit back and take a break. must you wait till i'm horribly ill then u'll let me sit back and rest? Yes, last night the last straw came.. i just fell onto the bed, super drained and slept through the night, got a little feverish,took my pills and, i had to apologise to so many others to just to take my little break. Drained? you bet i am.

Anger? actually no. Just lamenting. I noe however much i lament, it'll all boil down to having the strength to continue, and having the personal responsibility to push on.. not forgeting the awful deadlines i've yet to meet. Argh.. GOD, i need You at all times..all the pressure, all the pain. I noe you understand, i noe You noe. Teach me what to do.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 12:21 PM

A Writer.
A seeker.
A thinker.
A learner.
A disciple.

~ Calla Lillies

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Paeds Specialist!
I can do the impossible! :)

1. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
-- I wanna start cultivating good habits like prayer and fasting as a NECESSARY, ESSENTIAL part of my daily lifestyle

2. I wanna groom myself well
-- no more,sloppy behaviour, only appropriate behaviour. Must up another level!!!!

3. Dance like I've never danced before
-- I want to take dance really seriously. SERIOUSLY.

4. Serve more in ministry
-- enough of casual, convenient Christianity already.

1. Do Well in NUS Year 1
-- get into Dean's List and SEP!!! Jia You!

2. Learn L.A. Hip Hop!

3. Rise up to be a Leader in a Ministry :)

4. Save up for SOT!!!! $$$

Get into GMS!!!
I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!

December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
May 2005
September 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
September 2006
October 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
November 2011