A journey, an odyssey.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

我讨厌被欺骗的感觉！

我发现！我很难控制自己的情绪。真是的！很讨厌，很生气，我却知道必须原谅。

I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive. Above all things. I place God FIRST!!!!

choose to forgive,not bear grudges

Don't Curse it
Don't Nurse it
Don't Rehearse it
Disperse it
and Let God Reverse it!

the truth hurts, but God comforts.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 8:50 PM

Friday, September 15, 2006

凄凄惨惨，惨惨凄凄

今天的考试，真是个失败。我讨厌这样。我讨厌没努力过而失败的那种悔恨。因为我知道最终我会活遗憾里。

我不要。

所以我搞了字，从今天起，我必须重新再来，虚心学习。失败不要紧。我只要努力。所以，我的计划嘛，就是，每天的限制自己的娱乐时间啊！电视，电脑，都太太太太太太引诱人了！我必须远离。所以，我限制自己，每天只能看一个小时的电视，电脑，就半个小时-因为要写下心情啊！我想啊，我想。。。每天都写下自己的进展，在2个月后的我，重温这些心情日记是，我不要后悔，我要满足，有成就感。因为，我会知道，这2个月的努力，不会白费的。我会很努力的。我知道自己是有点迟，但我不怕。我会加倍努力，平了名的冲上去，让自己一直沉静在不断努力的冲劲。嗯，读书的旅程--我来咯！

读书不是为了谁。是为了自己不朽的梦想。

Cover

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 2:10 PM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

有心情念书吗？

坦白。有。又没有。
哈哈，我真是太奇怪了吧。
好啦，我别再浪费时间了，我也没时间给自己耗。

走咯！我要去追求自己的幸福了！

那就是念书。

：S

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 2:12 PM

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

被发现的秘密。。。

真是的，原以为可以把这部落格成为一个秘密，结果还是被机智又超级了解我的姐姐发现了。真是的。“谁受得了啊?”讨厌咧！

反正今天的主题：忙里偷闲，闲里却有的忙。想法许多，却讨厌拥有想法。
恨自己无法自拔的感觉。想必，这是我能了解小鬼的原因吧。
嗨，我真是个矛盾儿。

感触依然在。

今天遇上了他。为了不让彼此尴尬，我们选择逃避。至少，那时我的选择。我不想跟他有任何的接触，任何的瓜葛，因为坦白的说，这是另类的痛苦。我想它应该很讨厌我吧。我也讨厌自己。我宁可当他不存在！我不进一步，他也应该察觉到我们彼此之间的尴尬吧。他也有自己喜欢的人。我知道。嗨。自讨苦吃！

逃避应该是不想破坏彼此之间的友谊。
有一是我们们对彼此的方式。

我会好的。
I'll just have to keep trusting Go,because, He knows that above all, God is first, I noe that "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all His righteousness shall be added unto you." if there's anything to bank on, Its God's promises. He is faithful, even when I'm faithless!

Trust God, And let go. :P

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 9:34 PM

惊叹号

一个人的内心，
思想到底有多深，
心思多细腻；
一个人的深度，
到底有多少？

最近，我开始阅读小鬼的部落格。惊叹。
发现自己过得有点肤浅。
平日发生的事，
我总不去理会。
总是选着逃避，不面对。
看着鬼对于表达自己的方式，
那样坚持
那样勇敢
我好羡慕，
但知道，我也许永远无法像他。

逃避，
不理会
才是我真正的解脱。

他的作品还真了得。
欣赏。佩服。
我能感同身受。

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 3:17 AM

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Marriage Seminar : Communication is the Key of Life

Communication is transferring thoughts,
talking is just a form of communication,
and 55%of communication is non verbal

3 ways of communication:

Talking,

Gestures,

Spirit
_____________________

Listen

We must learn to listen!

Quick to hear: Ready listeners

-listening is not our natural preference, preferring to be the one giving the instructions
-active listening: Fully tuning into what the other person is trying to say
-not interrupting your partner and second guess his thoughts
-do not be an interrupter in conversations
-not everything is what u think it is
-by not interrupting all the time, u will gain a lot of wisdom, just try your best to listen
-don’t filter someone else’s speech by the thoughts of your head

a) give full attention to the person speaking
b) listen objectively, (don’t jump to conclusions!!!!)

-by being ready to listen, u’re giving the signal that he/she is impt to u, and tt u’re interested in him/her

Reasons why communications breakdown

i) one sided communication (withdrawal from one and demands from others)

ii) intellectual communication (type of language used in conversation prevents others from truly understanding what u are trying to convey.. usage of large jargons and terms—masking of ur true self)

iii) indirect or devious communication (communication through a third party)

iv) silence from one spouse

v) mutual suppression from both parties (aka cold war)

vi) communication limited to flare ups and fights (often this is when a person really unloads his/her real feeling, through an unacceptable medium – u tell the truth, but not done out of love)

vii) physical “acting out” (because one spouse is not giving the desired response –no one responds to abusive communication)

4 hang ups people have in communication

i) inability to speak properly in spouse – it is a skill problem.. they cannot effectively communicate

ii) Fear of exposing thought (a protective device.. of not wanting to run the risk of being hurt or rejected, they just shut up. As a result, distance will develop.)

iii) Feeling of “why bother” (they are tired of trying, and they are ready to give up)

iv) Ideas not worthwhile (they do not believe that they as a person do not have anything to contribute—they feel inferior and not worthy)

5 Levels of communication

i) Cliché conversation
-no personal feelings and very superficial
-weather talk
-no opening of heart.. very shallow relationship, really easily tempted

ii) Reporting the facts of others
§ share information and gossips
§ just providing information, without any feelings
§ reporting of everyone, but yourself.
§ As a result, marriage will be very shallow, and again, very easily tempted

iii) My ideas and judgment (true communication starts here)
§ Willingness to put down defence
§ But still there is still a little caution
§ May redraw

iv) My emotions and feelings
§ Feelings are important
§ Love is a feeling
§ Sharing of feelings and thoughts (those who are emotionally shutdown are unable to do so..)
§ Without sharing ur feelings, ur marriage dies

v) Total truthful open communication
§ On absolute openness and honesty
§ Unafraid of rejection

The 5 Levels of Communication : COMET!

For communication to be real communication, u have to go through these 5 levels of communications, u must be able to share all these. To leave behind ur mask, and be totally open, so that ur mate can truly reach and touch your soul, so that the real you can feel loved, freedom to love and be loved. Honesty should be the only policy. You gotta be open and honest about everything, your feelings and fears.

We are not computers or machines, or metal pieces

Feelings

Feelings create environment

Feelings are the bridge for heart to heart communication. (For intimacy vbetween 2 people)

Feelings help to heal old and new wounds (gets rids of stress and frustration—love gives u the strength)

Likewise, God communicates with you, and He does not talk to you about the gossips of othes, or His opinion on your opinion. He have a total truthful open communication with you. If you are emotionally shutdown, u can always pray to God to heal you of it.

Exciting part now! :P

How to communicate in the midst of marriage problems

<1cor>

1.Tell the truth in love

Is it right to cover up in order to prevent upsets
To change the truth is to tell a lie
Relationships cannot be built on a lie
There cannot be unity with anybody who does not walk in truth
Only when the parties involved walk in light, can there be true fellowship
Reality can often be unpleasant, but we must always tell the truth, and tell it in love.
Truth is the injection, but love is the anesthesia
You can tell the truth, but because of the love, he or she can take anything man
Be loving with your words – be tactful and gracious
The “Sandwich” Principle
Bread-meat-bread
Sweet-truth-Sweet
Say something positive first –then the hard truth – then compliment again
Always build on the postitive more than the negative

2.Argue but don’t quarrel
Argument is a persuasion, and quarrel is a verbal strife.
Quarrel gets both parties (getting emotional, and pushing ur opinion)
Argument is a persuasion to get the other party to see ur point

3.Husbands: Don’t expect blind obedience from your wives
No husband should ever use his position to get his selfish gains

Not for your own interest, but for the interest of others
Selfishness and pride are the 2 root causes of problems in communication.
How Christ loves the church is how a husband should love his wife
He says what can I do for you?, not force you and make u do things
He doesn’t dictate our lives
Both parties gotta die to selfishness!

4.Wives: Don’t nag at your husbands for a response
Nagging; persistent harping on a subject with criticism and fault-finding
We nag because we want the person to do what we want them to do
Nagging is a form of control

5.Protect your spouse when talking to your friends
Love protects.
Stay object and always discuss the problem with your husband/wife sufficiently already, before u even decide discussing it with others
Learn to defend ur husband/wife .
Whatever u demean, u bring down the value of the person in the eyes of others

6.Spiritual maturity is the ability to get angry without sinning

Anger = legitimate response for frustrations
Anger is not sin
Gotta learn to keep your anger in check

7.Communicate in a way that blesses your spouse
<1pet>
If you do not treat ur spouse right, God will not bless you
Bless = eulogia (gk) = eulogy (the feel-good parting words at a funeral)
i.e: to verbally recount the good things of a person, even he/she is undeserving of it
when u bless others, there is a promise of God’s blessing over your life –it’s a guarantee!
All u need is eulogia
<1>
Even when u really want to revile, u still choose to speak blessing
A married couple is a team – never tear the person down in front of others
Even when u discuss, argue, quarrel, you must always choose to bless

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 7:36 PM

Friday, September 08, 2006

It doesn't matter, i know its gonna end soon.. its gonna end soon. yes, soon.

I just went to the web to check out on depression. i figured that i might be suffering from depression, because these feelings are not a one timer, they occur so frequently, that I'm super scared.

Insomnia
Overcoming Stress
Panic Disorder
Programs Available
Publications
Everyone has felt sad at one time or another. Usually it is due to a disappointment, frustration or losing someone. Such sadness is normal. Time heals, the mood lifts and people continue to get on with their lives.
But in some people, depression can be so severe that it dominates their lives, preventing them from coping as they are used to. Depression of this degree is an illness and needs treatment.

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?
The following are the most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed.

Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy

A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.

Loss of appetite and loss of weight.

Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.

Feeling restless and agitated more easily.

Feeling tired and having little energy.

Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.

Feeling of worthlessness and quilt

Recurrent thoughts of death

I think I might call to ask about it tmr, and ask about the consultation fees, see how much lor, then maybe, i can explain to them wads gg on, I wonder if its possible to settle it on my own. :)

Or maybe, that day just won't happen. I juat can't believe that I have been suffering from such symptoms. Its the 4th night of the week tt i've cried...
:S

k. bye. I think i'm super sober now. tt's now only laaaaa.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 12:01 AM

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Hating myself

Have you ever hated hated yourself so bad, that you just pray, from the bottom of your hear that God will jus strike you down, and you'll just die?

I have.

Have you ever hated yourself so much that you wished u hadn't known God, so that you can just take the knife and stab yourself right in the middle of your abdomen?

I have.

Have you ever cried in the midst of studying and start weeping uncontrollably and can;t faced studying anymore because you just so suddenly hate everything that is gg on around you?

I have.

Have you ever felt so alone, that all you want to do is to be even more alone.. that you are so afraid to ans calls and receive messages.. because all you want to do is just to simply disappear into nowhere and to leave yourself to decompose and die off, never to be rmbeD?

I have.

Sometimes I just wish illnesses and funerals cost cheaper. You can't afford death in Singapore, you noe.

I just keep running away.. running running. running. I dun want to run, but I can;t turn back anymore.. i cannot tell anyone, because i will just disappoint them.. everyone on earth thinks i'm gg to do well in everything. i just want a break... in the emotions... I'm not perfect, I dun noe everything. I'm just an ordinary bloke, i cannot handle my own life, yet I'm expected to handle the lives of others. LORD, i dun wan to do anything. I know i'm called to be fruitful, but I hate myself. I just to leave... God, I just want to go home.I dun want this human being experience anymore... I grieved the Holy Spirit, I know. He must be very disappointed with me.So am i with myself. I cannot forgive myself. God, just take me away... please... please...

it just, hurts so bad.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 6:51 PM