A journey, an odyssey.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Love Love Love....

This is just a post to reassure my dear sister(s) (looking her examinations and the other, eh.. a bit on the phone).

#1: I am not in love. Trust me on this. Even though I would really really really really like to get married by 25, and be attached by 20/21, and yes, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a shoulder to lean on, I know God is saying," WAIT!!!!!!!!!!". How do I know?

a. God would not let me have a guy whom I do not desire. ( that ooh ahhh, I love love you sooo much-heart beats fast when i'm near him kinda feeling). There hasn't been remotely one SUITABLE CHRISTIAN GUY that has given me the vibes.

b. I need romance. I know no romantic guy!!! *smacks head*

#2: I will not fall in love with guy just because he seems to be the one rationally, but emotionally i have yet to feel it.

#3: I don't think I see any blind guys around. muahaha!!! ok just kidding. I Really need someone who is spiritually more mature than me. I need a guy who leads. LEADS!!! yet romantic.. heehee...

So Rest assure the top 3 things on my mind now is

#1: What if i m stifling God's intended potential in me?
#2: University!!! Education!!! and Future!!!! wahaha!!!!!
#3: Dance. Dance. SLIM DOWN!!!

See? I'm tooooo bimbo to wanna fall in love yet. I still have my nails, my hair, my... *rubbish!!!* hehe

Yea la, not yet, not the one.

Tata!!! *the only people i really love now, is you guys.. and daddy and mummy..*
(and the ONLY things you should be loving now are your examinations and your notes -- applies to both the old and the young ones. hehe)

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 11:54 PM

Giving up? Its just not my cup of tea.

I realise that I may not be suited to be a teacher, at all. Teaching is really tough, and it is really taking a toll on me.

I can still remember the days when I would get excited, having to think how I try to motivate my students (passion that lasts for only a week - yes,passion is but love that lasts for an intense moment). Yet now, I enter the some classes with a little disdain. I carry the knowledge that I would be bullied, ignored and perhpas laughed at. Then sometimes, I get scolded, stared at, scorned by some of the senior teachers. I have to agree my classroom management is really lousy. but it isn;t like I haven;t tried. Well perhpas, my downfall is that I have given up. I really gave up. Too tired to fight, too tired to shout. No point, they never listen. Then again, I may just be too sensitive. wahaha!

Am quite weary though, i realy want a break, to stay home and stare at the telly, and dance a little at home here and there. I want to do so many things, but life is so cluttered. the last thing I want to do is to stifle the potential that God has for me. Yet now, there's this small little voice in me that says : "The joy of the LORD is your strength." I know, and in fact, it has been this voice that has been pulling me through. Otherwise I would have seriously dieded.
In an environment where it is cold and i have no good friends, how am I to survive?

But God is good yea, He never fails to encourage us.. in little and in Big ways. Thank you LORD, for being there when i was sinking real bad, thank you for reminding that i can get through things, and I can stop thinking about what people are thinking of me.. thank you God for showing to me that the only, ONLY addiction approval I need is from God!
hehe...

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 10:57 AM

Outta witta da gang!

Yest's outing, in 2 words, army talk. *stares*

All the boys talk about were about army army army army and army! grrr. Perhaps the only 2 highlights of the day was, Zak and Ismail (Yes!!!! She is attached!!!!!!! so wheee!!!!! :P ) and my chocolate overload sundae at Swensens (fantastic stuff, though, they could have heated the brownie up first and place it with icecream, it would have been umph! :) )

As much as I would like to irritate the boys and keep reminding them that I AM FALLING ASLEEP DUE TO THEIR CONVERSATION, they kinda, din get the hint. But as time went by, boys will be boys (sorry, zak was talking to her bf more, and her bf was falling asleep too.. hahah!), it was still quite fun when we were walking around, beating each other up (I smacked their caps, they smacked my head. -_-" oh yea, cos I'm short, they keep taking turns to mess up my hair, and they took pleasure in calling me an ah soh. many thanks.). But it was fun la! I kinda enjoyed these short moments of playing than listening to them talking about army, wahaha! Even the tiume in carrefour was so much more fun, disturbing them with the toys and them playing with the toys.

ok, It was enjoyable. At least, for now.

(PS: there where only 3 boys there (with the exception of Ismail.. he ain't in army).. can you imagine wad if there were the 5 of them?!)

*sighs* 2 more years to go.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 10:46 AM

USP - fun in brains

How am I to say this? hmmm, PRAISE THE LORD for a fantastic time of interview! It was really a very fun interview, even though I may have pretty much screwed up some of the wns, but I was fun, nonetheless. At least, there is something I can do that is really way more stimulating than my current job .. haha!

I was really nervous, having so much on my head, because I wasn't even sure of the oath and the route I was to take for a long long time.. Where 's my destination and all. But thank God, He spoke to me. It was after Cell group tt I realise, that my ultimate goal was realy medicine school, and that I shouldn't give up just because of a setback. There are so many routes I can take! The time may differ, the process may be long, but the destination is the same. All I need to do is to be focused on what I am aiming out to be! That is to be a paeds specialist and have my own clinic. like Dr Belinda! :)

So well, here's a post to kind of chronicle my interesting USP interview! :P

--------------------------------------------

*Profs exit the room, grabs some food and says:
Prof 1: Well when we're hungry, we ain't nice
Prof 2: Well come in

*The puzzled interviewee (aka yours truly enters)
JY: Hi, good morning sirs.
Prof 2:Its alright, take a seat *signals to the cold isolated grey chair in the middle of the room
Prof 2: What's your name?
JY: Ee Jia Ying
Prof 2: Where were you from?
JY: Victoria Junior College

Prof 2: Alright, please tell us what is so interesting about USP besides it being a multidisciplinary platform, with breadth and depth, and that It is fun and you get to see many things. and....
Prof 1: And whatever you;'ve read on the booklet, and the different kinds of modules you get and...
Prof 2: *looks at Prof 1* Are we not giving her anything to answer?
Prof 1: *looks at his food and chuckles* No
*Both turns to look at me, while prof 1 still continued savouring his cake*

JY: Well, that was really a daunting qns, I mean, since whatever you've mentioned are basically the basis for the programme, and these are definitely usually the reasons for which people are atrracted to the programme. Personally, It is really the allowance of being able to study from different perspectives that really interests me. *goes on to rattle on the inter learning experiences with peopl e from different faculties and so on and so forth, and interaction with people who might be able to see things differently from me...* ... and I feel that it is necessary to be able to see the full picture of things, because things are not 2D, they are multidimensional...

Prof 2: Why is it then important to see things in their full perspective?

JY: I feel that you do not want to limit yourself to only see the surface of things, It would be good to see the whole picture and to understand things from multiple views. *continues to rattle... bleah*

Prof 1: Then won't life be much simpler without having to see the full picture? Isn't it better to just see things on the surface?

JY: Yes, I agree with you sir, but life isn't like that. Life requires you to think more than just what you see. Life is hard, and it is too bad.

Prof 1: It is man that complicates life, don't you think?

JY: I agree with you sir, but it is still the way it is, right?

Prof 1 and Prof 2 holds a discussion on life that I can barely remember -- too nervous, maybe.

Prof 2: So what then interests you?

JY: I enjoy philosophy... *rattles a whole lot of irrelevant stuff like why I love to think deep and why is it interesting... *

Prof 1:But that is not philosophy. Thinking is not philosophy. You might be siutting there now and thinking. but thats not philosophy. and a man has said before that philosophy does no contribution to society.

JY: Is it? I feel that it is still impt because of its ability to cause people to ponder and getting them to realise things and philosophy makes up the values and traditions in life..* rattles and I can't rmb what I've said*

Prof 1: *continues to say something that I can't quite catch.* ... that isn't really philosophy you know.

JY: So I guess that is really why I'm here for, to learn what exactly philosophy really is about *smiles*
Prof 2: *nods*

Prof 1: Anyway the man who said that is in this room.
*Prof 2 looks around*

JY: Well then, I see him looking around. *smiles*

Prof 2: Nope, It isn't me.

JY: *turns back to prof 1* Then I see him staring right back at me.

Prof 2: So what course are you enrolling in?
JY: Faculty of Science, Life Sciences, I haven't quite decided on the specialisation yet.

Prof 1: You like science?
Prof2: You'll be taking 4 art modules and 8 science modules here. Is it ok?

JY: Sure! Personally to me, Science is like a career I want to pursue, but arts is like something I really appreciate and enjoy. So definitely, Its ok *goes on the rattle on how I like to probe and stuff*

Prof 1: So here's a science question for you *points to the gel thingy on the table that flows from one compartment to another* Look at this, how... do you think ...the speed of gel would have differred if ...the temperature of the room was ...lower?

JY: Well, this depends on the vicosity of the gel and the temperature of the room. If the temperature of the room is lower, and I causes the vicosity of the gel to increase, then I would say the gel would definitely flow slower, and the time would be longer. Judging from this gel, I would say that ( i can't rmb.. what I said la) ... However, from what I gather, I suppose not a great difference in the timing, because the difference would be negligible anyway.

Prof 2: Fair enough.
Prof 1: Well thats all, thank you.

JY: Thank you so much, and I hope to hear from you soon!
*walks to the door

Prof 1: So does that mean you can hear negatively from us too?

JY: Well Sir, Hope deferred makes the heart sick right? *smiles*

Prof 2: *laughs*

______________________________________________

FUN INTERVIEW!!!! :P wahahaha!!! if only USP is like this all the time! :P

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 10:04 AM

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Its a dog eat dog world.

Supervisors, trainees, friends, colleagues.

They are all friends to me, and I, being an outsider to the strifles of the *behold!!!* staffroom, I am left to fend for myself. Why? Simply because I am a neutral party. I don't make THE decisions, I don't tattle tale, I don't have a say in their future. So why not let ? As a friend, I will listen and try to understand. But as friends to both parties? I can't take sides, I can't judge, all I can do is defend for each other. A tad difficult. Hmmm.

But I thank God for these friends in school. Without them, it'll be a lot different.

-----------------------------------

Early morning, and I am reminded about God's unending grace to me and to men. God loves me not for what I am, but simply for me. He loves the good, the bad and yes *the much dreaded* ugly. Which is ironically a beautiful thing. (is this a juxtapose?)

God is good, yet early morning, I could feel the grumpy genes in me building up. I was seriously about to flare on ziying, and a little too impatient with answering mummy's questions. Yes, I'm guilty as charged.

But you know what is so amazing? I know that I do not need to go on a guilt trip. This means that even though I know I am wrong, and yes, I can be shameful of my actions for a while, but I know that more than this, Iam learning to control my temper and be more aware of it too.. This means, I must learn to push my ego down, and stop feeling like I have to always be right. Ziying can be right too, I can be wrong. Ziying can be the one who is more caring than I am, I can also be the insolent one. What's wrong with admitting my mistakes? Nothing. But it is always pride that will pull me back, like that of a bungy jump rope, which then pulls me further downwards (yes, what a lousy comparision, but it makes sense ya). Seriously, I have to get rid of this pride issue. *rah*

So really, instead of going on a guilt trip, I should be going on a throne trip. I have to learn to break down in front of God. and move on. I need to learn to honour Him. I need to learn to confess. Teach me God, I'm still learning to put You in the middle and centre of my all.

"At one point in this audio, Randy asks you to recall what it feels like when someone makes fun of you. It’s not fun. It’s belittling, it’s harsh, it’s hurtful. … “I have belittled Christ. I do it when I act like He is small… Maybe because I act like I am bigger functionally, day to day. And that’s wrong.” He’s the Master of the Universe, the Lover of my soul. This is what hits home for me. I have belittled the Master of the Universe. Who died for me. Who conquered death. For me. Who ascended and is seated at the right hand of the Father. I have made Him small, and robbed Him of power. Or tried to. How very wrong that is. It’s because of sins like mine that He had to endure a torturous death on a cross."-http://mudlarktales.wordpress.com/2007/04/06/it-is-finished/

Yes God, it has been an amazing morning.
Rejoice in the LORD always, and again I say rejoice!

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 10:07 AM

Insanity is the new black.

Ha, I just thought this would be a good time to update my life online, for an invisible group of readers. Seriously, no one's readin my blog, I suppose, since this is so not highly publicised. And yes, in fact I wish no one is reading this blog. Pardon my incoherence. I'm gg a little nuts, esp since I've just finished my previous post just a few minutes ago..

"Baby take me on a journey.."

Right, I'm listening to Jesse Mcartney

Anyways, i've been taking up hip hop lessons, and yes, i'm planning to go deep in hip hop, because I really like to dance. Just a few days ago, after my 2nd dance lessons at L.A DC, i finally made my first friends at class : Dawn and Sam. I spoke more to Sam since he was on the same train, going towards the Yishun direction. Frankly, I'm rather inspired by im, because he has been taking Hip hop for like only 2-3 yrs effectively, yet, he is a pro. and wad's more, he's a law student. *stares* All rounded genius. Yes, this really lets me know that it is possible be an all rounded individual. *does the body wave*

Teaching was really taking a toll on me last week, until this week when i decided to really really on God instead of relying on myself, tt I realise that Joy can still be there in the midst of pressure and hurts and insults. Joy is really really in God. :P
*Love You Father!* Life is easy when I crumble in my Father's Hands..in the hands of the Potter...

Well, today i managed to go out with Shan, my dear friend... it was good, because I really felt a change in the friendship, in a good way.. :) she is really a friend I want to keep, so I'll be praying for her to really have that someone who really loves her and really would cherish her, and she is happy with. I think, as a friend, her happiness is of importance.. :) Really shared with her a part of my life I hadn't shared with anyone except for God, my sisters and a random friend whom i'll prob never meet again.. haha... so yea, in truth, i'm pretty much vulnerable to her.. as she is to me. :P Really, i wanna be closer to her spiritually.. and yep.. I need a move of God, and a whole bundle of courage :)

Today's conversation kinda taught me to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit.. cos I realised that everytme, the conversation diverts to other people's lives except hers and mine, I sensed a change in the atmosphere, as though there is somekind of plug in the grace of God.. a difference in the feeling, which is rather uncomfortable for me.. ahah, yes, so immediately, I'll divert the conversation back to my life or her life.. and pray for God to shower the love again.. :) I realise how much i need that tangible feel of God in my life.. :P

Alrights, nuff said, I think i should time out. Tmr's another loong day! :)
*cheers!*

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 2:31 AM

Confessions of a lunatic

I am a teacher

I'm a teacher handling a bizillion lives

I'm a teacher who when walking with a guy, the guy would be branded as her boyfriend
I'm a teacher who is known by the entire sec 1 batch to be in love with some other teacher she doesn't even remotely know

I'm a teacher who constantly reminds her students not to cut themselves
I'm a teacher who though reminds her children time and time again, and still end up having a boy who still plays with the knife and cuts himself
I'm a teacher who though reminds her students repeatedly, have them keep scaring her with an exclamation of a cut
I'm a teacher who though gets constantly freaked out by her students about their hands getting cuts, still gets shivers when she hears them scream out a threat again and again
I'm a teacher who never learns about threats, and thinks that she should never stop believing threats

I'm a teacher who tries to tame the wild
I'm a teacher who tried to be fierce to out-scare the wild, and failed terribly
I'm a teacher who tried to be friendly and build rapport with her students, and fails terribly
I'm a teacher who got cursed by the daughter of some gang leader in society in front of the entire class
I'm a teacher who would still go back to the class, tryin to smile and continue her attempts to finish the next chapter

I'm a teacher who tries to make friends
I'm a teacher who tries to learn from her senior colleagues and have heard them share experiences
I'm a teacher who is a tad more talkative and appears insincere in the making of acquantainces
I'm a teacher who don't mind helping others with their typing
I'm a teacher who after helping her colleaugue with his observation once, and gets made used again to do his observation ppt for him again, all just because she did a good job the last time
I'm a teacher who doesn't understand how come a teacher with lousier english than herself is allowed to teach english
I'm a teacher who would still help that teacher who is making use of her

I'm a teacher who doesn't know how to say NO
I'm a teacher who tries hard, but never good enough in the eyes of others

I'm a teacher?

I am a teacher?

No, I'm just an ordinary lunatic who depending her life on God's Grace, and God's grace alone..

Nothing great accomplished by this lunatic is ever achieved without God's grace.. :)

tt's why JOY remains, because Joy is not found in this insane's circumstances, but in her GOD,her LORD.. :P

God, where did I go right.. to have found You..

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 2:14 AM