A journey, an odyssey.

Monday, December 19, 2005

All Afresh

A brand new start to everything, i hope. Or at the very least, i'm looking forward to a fresh new start.

Well, i've just completed te CIBTC on fri. Thoughts on that event? It was indeed an enriching 3 weeks of rubbishified training, includes me having to constantly revise my skills even before the lessons begin, and also, a lot of psychological games i have to play... especially when it comes to having to motivate others. No, i'm a good motivator by nature, in fact i can be quite passive by choice. Throughout these 3 weeks, alot of reflection on my own character have been done by myself. I realised a part of me, that might even scare myself. Well perhaps tiredness do affect a person's reaction to matters.. i realised in my own capacity the way i can treat others can differ in a matter of days, or even within a few hours. I can choose to befriend, likewise, i can choose to ignore. As i said, a shock had been revealed to me within the course--that is the ability to resent people so badly that even i am appalled by my own thoughts. Thank God the resentment did subside, but it was after many hours of self counselling and self reflection. I guess having 2 overly emotional and sensitive people pairing up isn't a very great idea after all.

The course on the whole was not what i expected it to be. Let me first start with my squad. I love the people, they are nice and they really try to improve. In fact this is the kind of attitude that even some instructors fail to possess. Yes, some may preach about it, but they are not as teachable as they think they are. Well, this do include me. Sometimes i preach about confidence, i talk about having the quiet confidence that i ought to have, and i talk about all the faith i have. But when it comes to havin the need to stand out in front of a crowd, whatever i mentioned, whatever i tried to impart simply disappears. Instructors, instructors, all a facade? i suppose... at least in my case. Nevertheless... i do my best in bringing my trainees to where they are supposed to be, in hope of bringing them to a level greater than i am. Perhaps, they will be a better batch of instructors.

This course really did sap out a lot of energy and a lot of time. this is lousy. I really hate to lose time to spend with my family, my friends and most importantly, losing QUALITY time with God. many times throughout the course i lack the energy to seek God fervently. Took a toll on my spiritual life. Am quite angry with myself for submitting to pressure and ended up joining this course. Not only so, even my closest friends seem to not be able to understand what am i going throuh. All my absence from the current evenst are not intentional. I NEED REST. Sometimes, even though i'm free, it does't equate to me able to go out. i'm as human as you are, do give me time to rest and study. Whilst you are having rest at home, i have other commitments... and just to let you know, church is not something i'm willing to give up .GOD is out of the question. So please, i beg of you to stop telling me that church can be skipped. Cos it carn. I rather give up this bag of friendships than lose my church membership. Please, respect my decision and my choice.

From the day the course ended, i haven't had the time to sit back and take a break. must you wait till i'm horribly ill then u'll let me sit back and rest? Yes, last night the last straw came.. i just fell onto the bed, super drained and slept through the night, got a little feverish,took my pills and, i had to apologise to so many others to just to take my little break. Drained? you bet i am.

Anger? actually no. Just lamenting. I noe however much i lament, it'll all boil down to having the strength to continue, and having the personal responsibility to push on.. not forgeting the awful deadlines i've yet to meet. Argh.. GOD, i need You at all times..all the pressure, all the pain. I noe you understand, i noe You noe. Teach me what to do.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 12:21 PM

VISION AND DREAMS

Paeds Specialist!
I can do the impossible! :)

SHORT TERM GOALS

1. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
-- I wanna start cultivating good habits like prayer and fasting as a NECESSARY, ESSENTIAL part of my daily lifestyle

2. I wanna groom myself well
-- no more,sloppy behaviour, only appropriate behaviour. Must up another level!!!!

3. Dance like I've never danced before
-- I want to take dance really seriously. SERIOUSLY.

4. Serve more in ministry
-- enough of casual, convenient Christianity already.

MID TERM GOALS

1. Do Well in NUS Year 1
-- get into Dean's List and SEP!!! Jia You!

2. Learn L.A. Hip Hop!

3. Rise up to be a Leader in a Ministry :)

4. Save up for SOT!!!! $$$

LONG TERM GOALS

Get into GMS!!!
I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!