A journey, an odyssey.

Monday, December 26, 2005

'Tis the season to be jolly!

It’s been (let me see...), hmmm... 2 days, but it seemed like ages to me! Ha, Right now, I’m suffering from the repercussions of the several carnival rides I took this morning. In fact, all I’m feeling is myself about to fall --- or even faint in moment's time. Actually, the aftermath is expected... for example the last few times I went to escape, every night after a full day of rides always end up w me feeling like puking or feeling quite giddy. Ha, this is no different. WAD HEADACHE! ha... anw, I have lots to say, and well perhaps lots to reflect >.<

I realize that I do possess one habit...tt is the ability to reflect and think alot when I’m travelling. For example, if I’m sitting like I’m doing so now, wad I would usually do is to find something to do other than think... so the only time I really do all my thinking... as in my quality thinking (sorry, I do not refer to common day, intellectual thinking... but rather more complex thoughts.. emotions and intelligence combined.. lets just call it emotigence. ha~~~ amused by myself. oh well!!!) So anw, back to the topic.. I realize I do think a lot as I travel. As in when I’m walking.. I start thinking back and reflect... or tt's when I start my brainstorming! or... in laymen's term (and so u might comment that the following statement may not be funny), I like thinking on my feet. (pun intended. -- u noe.. travelling --> thinking on feet... the connection? aww nvm.)So wads good about this is that I have time to think everyday... and I do reflect, rather than live life so... aimlessly and without change. Stagnated life... or rather stagnated THOUGHT life.

ok... so here are the thoughts. I do realize my behaviour for the past few days were pretty disgusting and appalling. I tend to over think, over rationalize, and am over sensitive and overly emotional. Yes... jiu shi tai OVER le la! haha... yea.. so it caused me to be cranky, and irritated.. and put things totally out of perspective. and yes, today.. this morning... I was telling God tt I really need to get out this disgusting phase of mine. Did I say it was disgusting. Sorry, tt was a perfect understatement. ITS ATROCIOUSLY HORRIBLE AND A TOTAL PUT OFF. Yes. Get this off my chest... and I feel so much better. Then today was gg to service w ziying... toked to her. Seriously, do cry quite easily in front of my family...so was NOT toking to her, yet the atmosphere was tense. cos, actually a day before, we kinda exchanged words... (tt is in a more barbaric manner... had a tiff) she told me things that were quite hurting. And as per cranky idiot would be, I took it to heart.. and never left it to God. hmm... so it brew... and became a literal thorn in my flesh. So... I starting treating her like I’m a jerk... which I admit I had been. Not only to her, in fact to dajie...(yea yea... the waiting thingy... cos usually I’m quite patient... with a super high tolerance level... to not get angry, nor get upset... even when I have to wait 1 hr ++ and go through a 30 min ride just to have a 20 min chat ... hahaha.. jk la!!!! not trying to ka chiao dajie le la! >.< I just like to err... haha... make jie a lil irritated at this point.. >P, yes yes I’m awfully playful..) . Anyway... back on the topic.. she told me tt she felt I was fake.. and yea.. said certain things which were quite unpleasant. It hurts no doubt... but hey, I accept it. All it means to me is that I have to change lor... how to change? humble myself, pray for strength... and seriously, I felt it really took me a lot of courage to actually tell ziying that I accept my mistakes and am willing to change. BOY IT HURTS. haha... darn it... even though I may never be able to exude the authority again.. haha.. but I did feel happy to admit my mistake... at least I’m willing to make the first step--- CONFESSION, rather than stay in denial. So God, I need strength.. cos all the pain I have to go through before I can be changed and molded the way You want me to be, I cannot take it alone... I cannot walk alone. I cannot even crawl my way through alone. The fact is, without God, nor matter how hard I try, I will never get across! So... GOD!!!! STRENGTH!!!! STRENGTH!!!! or wad jie would scream... GRACE!GRACE!GRACE! ... its time I should complement it...MERCY!MERCY!MERCY! yep!!!

Painful entry I would say. even when I’m typing this.. gosh.. I can still feel the pain of CONFESSION. So this is wad God means by confession... tt is to not just say it, but to truly deep down in your heart admit ur mistake and feel that sharp pain. I never understood the impact of confession until today... it hurts, yet there is such a relief...The moment u truly take ur mistake to heart and pass it all to God... peace enters.. the joy comes... and its like.. a revival of the Chris-like character. And so I imagine it to be like a battlefield... the moment I confess the devil gets struck in his heart, the devil gets a punch and a kick and the next moment -- its KO for him man...

Thank God that He gave me the power to confess. Hurts.. but this pain is good. Confession is done.. so wad's next? its gotta be actions! My regime of praying was terribly disrupted by the CIBTC. Horrid! .. I need to revive it.. get back into the spirit.. and get back into the word.. quick and fast and now! yes... I dun want to be walking in backsliding... for 3 simple reasons... I’m not stupid, I’m not willing, and I’m not giving in. DEVIL I BIND YOU! GET OUT OF MY LIFE> U!!! argh. JUST GET OUT. and most importantly.. IN JESUS NAME!!!!!!!!!

Fasting is God's anointed way of bringing my carnal flesh into subjection. God is really a smart God... hits the bull’s-eye every time. My deadliest fear.. the lack of food. argh. SO I really need a lot of determination to get through these fasts... God, guide me through. I need to ..... I NEED TO!

JIAYING, WAKE UP UR IDEA!

Yes Yes, I’m such a... no idea.

Ok.. so I’m relieved... yet with a burden to continue on... :P then again, God said the burden is heavy but the yoke is light... and His grace is sufficient for me. Amazing ABBA, eh? I think so too...

One more touching event of the day... auntie Lydia responded. When she had tears in her eyes.. I could see the love she has for God. Once again revived... All Glory to GOD!!! yea... the anointing of God, that one touch of heaven to really fill her heart .... that is wad so many of my friends need. Its a pity... when u bring them to church yet their hearts are cold and shut. they dun believe in God, they dun trust Him. tt' why They dun feel Him. How ironic, this vicious cycle. Because they dun believe, therefore they dun feel. But because they dun feel, they dun believe... God, teach me to minister to them.. and truly be a light set on the city hill that cannot be hidden.. No longer do I want to be a follower in my class... I want to bring the presence of God with me wherever I go, and where the LORD directs me... I want to be the salt of the earth.. but first.. I have to do well in the natural.. having more confidence en myself... trusting God has everything in store for me le... :P yep! .. God... teach me to trust You.. teach me to not be too strong for my own benefit.. teach me to rely on You, and not to depend too much on my own strength. God, in all, teach me, and do show me Your way... I beg of You... please...

I want my first love revived all over again.. and to stop loving God with my mind. but with my heart... :)

yep! that should be all.. I’m happy to have found a haven when I can pour out my thoughts... in fact to even reorganize them here without disruption... :P

Find the baby the baby baby boy the baby baby baby boy~~~

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 1:00 AM