A journey, an odyssey.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Hating myself

Have you ever hated hated yourself so bad, that you just pray, from the bottom of your hear that God will jus strike you down, and you'll just die?

I have.

Have you ever hated yourself so much that you wished u hadn't known God, so that you can just take the knife and stab yourself right in the middle of your abdomen?

I have.

Have you ever cried in the midst of studying and start weeping uncontrollably and can;t faced studying anymore because you just so suddenly hate everything that is gg on around you?

I have.

Have you ever felt so alone, that all you want to do is to be even more alone.. that you are so afraid to ans calls and receive messages.. because all you want to do is just to simply disappear into nowhere and to leave yourself to decompose and die off, never to be rmbeD?

I have.

Sometimes I just wish illnesses and funerals cost cheaper. You can't afford death in Singapore, you noe.

I just keep running away.. running running. running. I dun want to run, but I can;t turn back anymore.. i cannot tell anyone, because i will just disappoint them.. everyone on earth thinks i'm gg to do well in everything. i just want a break... in the emotions... I'm not perfect, I dun noe everything. I'm just an ordinary bloke, i cannot handle my own life, yet I'm expected to handle the lives of others. LORD, i dun wan to do anything. I know i'm called to be fruitful, but I hate myself. I just to leave... God, I just want to go home.I dun want this human being experience anymore... I grieved the Holy Spirit, I know. He must be very disappointed with me.So am i with myself. I cannot forgive myself. God, just take me away... please... please...

it just, hurts so bad.

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 6:51 PM

VISION AND DREAMS

Paeds Specialist!
I can do the impossible! :)

SHORT TERM GOALS

1. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
-- I wanna start cultivating good habits like prayer and fasting as a NECESSARY, ESSENTIAL part of my daily lifestyle

2. I wanna groom myself well
-- no more,sloppy behaviour, only appropriate behaviour. Must up another level!!!!

3. Dance like I've never danced before
-- I want to take dance really seriously. SERIOUSLY.

4. Serve more in ministry
-- enough of casual, convenient Christianity already.

MID TERM GOALS

1. Do Well in NUS Year 1
-- get into Dean's List and SEP!!! Jia You!

2. Learn L.A. Hip Hop!

3. Rise up to be a Leader in a Ministry :)

4. Save up for SOT!!!! $$$

LONG TERM GOALS

Get into GMS!!!
I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!