A journey, an odyssey.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Marriage Seminar : Communication is the Key of Life

Communication is transferring thoughts,
talking is just a form of communication,
and 55%of communication is non verbal

3 ways of communication:

Talking,

Gestures,

Spirit
_____________________

Listen

We must learn to listen!

Quick to hear: Ready listeners

-listening is not our natural preference, preferring to be the one giving the instructions
-active listening: Fully tuning into what the other person is trying to say
-not interrupting your partner and second guess his thoughts
-do not be an interrupter in conversations
-not everything is what u think it is
-by not interrupting all the time, u will gain a lot of wisdom, just try your best to listen
-don’t filter someone else’s speech by the thoughts of your head

a) give full attention to the person speaking
b) listen objectively, (don’t jump to conclusions!!!!)

-by being ready to listen, u’re giving the signal that he/she is impt to u, and tt u’re interested in him/her

Reasons why communications breakdown

i) one sided communication (withdrawal from one and demands from others)

ii) intellectual communication (type of language used in conversation prevents others from truly understanding what u are trying to convey.. usage of large jargons and terms—masking of ur true self)

iii) indirect or devious communication (communication through a third party)

iv) silence from one spouse

v) mutual suppression from both parties (aka cold war)

vi) communication limited to flare ups and fights (often this is when a person really unloads his/her real feeling, through an unacceptable medium – u tell the truth, but not done out of love)

vii) physical “acting out” (because one spouse is not giving the desired response –no one responds to abusive communication)

4 hang ups people have in communication

i) inability to speak properly in spouse – it is a skill problem.. they cannot effectively communicate

ii) Fear of exposing thought (a protective device.. of not wanting to run the risk of being hurt or rejected, they just shut up. As a result, distance will develop.)

iii) Feeling of “why bother” (they are tired of trying, and they are ready to give up)

iv) Ideas not worthwhile (they do not believe that they as a person do not have anything to contribute—they feel inferior and not worthy)

5 Levels of communication

i) Cliché conversation
-no personal feelings and very superficial
-weather talk
-no opening of heart.. very shallow relationship, really easily tempted

ii) Reporting the facts of others
§ share information and gossips
§ just providing information, without any feelings
§ reporting of everyone, but yourself.
§ As a result, marriage will be very shallow, and again, very easily tempted

iii) My ideas and judgment (true communication starts here)
§ Willingness to put down defence
§ But still there is still a little caution
§ May redraw

iv) My emotions and feelings
§ Feelings are important
§ Love is a feeling
§ Sharing of feelings and thoughts (those who are emotionally shutdown are unable to do so..)
§ Without sharing ur feelings, ur marriage dies

v) Total truthful open communication
§ On absolute openness and honesty
§ Unafraid of rejection

The 5 Levels of Communication : COMET!

For communication to be real communication, u have to go through these 5 levels of communications, u must be able to share all these. To leave behind ur mask, and be totally open, so that ur mate can truly reach and touch your soul, so that the real you can feel loved, freedom to love and be loved. Honesty should be the only policy. You gotta be open and honest about everything, your feelings and fears.

We are not computers or machines, or metal pieces

Feelings

Feelings create environment

Feelings are the bridge for heart to heart communication. (For intimacy vbetween 2 people)

Feelings help to heal old and new wounds (gets rids of stress and frustration—love gives u the strength)

Likewise, God communicates with you, and He does not talk to you about the gossips of othes, or His opinion on your opinion. He have a total truthful open communication with you. If you are emotionally shutdown, u can always pray to God to heal you of it.

Exciting part now! :P

How to communicate in the midst of marriage problems

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1.Tell the truth in love

Is it right to cover up in order to prevent upsets
To change the truth is to tell a lie
Relationships cannot be built on a lie
There cannot be unity with anybody who does not walk in truth
Only when the parties involved walk in light, can there be true fellowship
Reality can often be unpleasant, but we must always tell the truth, and tell it in love.
Truth is the injection, but love is the anesthesia
You can tell the truth, but because of the love, he or she can take anything man
Be loving with your words – be tactful and gracious
The “Sandwich” Principle
Bread-meat-bread
Sweet-truth-Sweet
Say something positive first –then the hard truth – then compliment again
Always build on the postitive more than the negative

2.Argue but don’t quarrel
Argument is a persuasion, and quarrel is a verbal strife.
Quarrel gets both parties (getting emotional, and pushing ur opinion)
Argument is a persuasion to get the other party to see ur point

3.Husbands: Don’t expect blind obedience from your wives
No husband should ever use his position to get his selfish gains

Not for your own interest, but for the interest of others
Selfishness and pride are the 2 root causes of problems in communication.
How Christ loves the church is how a husband should love his wife
He says what can I do for you?, not force you and make u do things
He doesn’t dictate our lives
Both parties gotta die to selfishness!

4.Wives: Don’t nag at your husbands for a response
Nagging; persistent harping on a subject with criticism and fault-finding
We nag because we want the person to do what we want them to do
Nagging is a form of control

5.Protect your spouse when talking to your friends
Love protects.
Stay object and always discuss the problem with your husband/wife sufficiently already, before u even decide discussing it with others
Learn to defend ur husband/wife .
Whatever u demean, u bring down the value of the person in the eyes of others

6.Spiritual maturity is the ability to get angry without sinning

Anger = legitimate response for frustrations
Anger is not sin
Gotta learn to keep your anger in check

7.Communicate in a way that blesses your spouse
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If you do not treat ur spouse right, God will not bless you
Bless = eulogia (gk) = eulogy (the feel-good parting words at a funeral)
i.e: to verbally recount the good things of a person, even he/she is undeserving of it
when u bless others, there is a promise of God’s blessing over your life –it’s a guarantee!
All u need is eulogia
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Even when u really want to revile, u still choose to speak blessing
A married couple is a team – never tear the person down in front of others
Even when u discuss, argue, quarrel, you must always choose to bless

Written and pondered over, but emotional at 7:36 PM